What's really missing in your life?
After reading a respose to a blog from TR, I realized what I truly was missing in my life.
It's odd, you know. That, I now have money and a moderate amount of success in a glamorous industry, and I feel empty. As though, the world wouldn't notice if I just didn't wake up one morning. And, this isn't a good feeling. I'm sure many of you can attest to the validity of that statement. Whether you know from experience or from the lyrics of some lame ass simple plan song, the words aren't any less true. I'm not needed by anyone. Anywhere, as far as I know.
What could brandonbrown be missing from his life, you ask. Well, many things. Too many things. I seem to have traded everything that I had in my life for everything I didn't have while at the same time losing everything that I had. I'll tell you right fucking now, that; this time at least, the grass is white on this side.
But the most noticeable thing that's missing from my existence is a person to share it with. There seems to be no one that I can connect with on this side of the mountains.
Perhaps, you feel as I feel. That this is impossible, and that I must be doing it to myself. This is true. I'm conciously aware of it. I'm pushing people away that I may otherwise be the best of friends with. Even worse is my unwillingness to start a relationship with women due to the fact that I'm unfairly comparing them with a woman with whom I have such strong feelings for that I'm almost at a loss for words both in describing these feelings and how absurd and helpless they make me feel.
I can almost assure you, avid reader, that the person in question will undoubtedly not respond to this outpouring of emotion, just as she has systematically avoided every other post on the subject. For reasons that I understand all too well.
Furthermore, I have decided not to come back to Prince George to live for the summer. As disappointed as you may be. (are you?). I can assure you that I feel more than your collective disappointment. But, the way that I see it is that I now live in Saskatoon. I've moved on. Fuck, that's hard to read, but it stands as the truth. Don't get me wrong, I will be back. Perhaps to fix the relationships that I've ruined, or to try start new ones that I should have; but, I will be back.
Oh, I thought I'd take this time to wonder out loud why no one is making any fucking effort whatsoever to come and see me. I hear enough sob stories everyday about how upset people are that I'm gone. Yet, I've heard not one request for a room to stay in or a bed to sleep on. Nothing. Which, in itself is a little bit depressing. I don't know, maybe I'm viewing this incorrectly. Perhaps I'm just making some vain attempt to make you feel sorry for me. But, either way. A little word here and there isn't all that much to ask coming from me. The calls that I do get, god; they're great. Just know that I love you, and I have for as long as I've known you. Goodnight.